Jax and I have been discussing where our journey is going to lead us.I’m not overly thrilled with our options.But as I have taken the day to mull things over I have come to this understanding.Sometimes we have to do things we may not want to do in order to attain the things we want.
For example, if I want to lose weight, I will probably need to diet in one form or another.Now I can make the best of that diet by choosing a diet that will fit my lifestyle.But I will need to make changes in my diet if I want changes to occur on my waistline.If I want to be able to run a marathon or climb Mount Everest, I will have to train every day.I can’t just wake up in the morning and expect to do great physical feats. I have to work hard, work through sore muscles, work when I don’t want to.
My aunt tells a story of going listening to a concert pianist with whom she had grown up with.She talks of how effortless his performance seemed as his hand glided across the keys.While talking to him afterwards, she casually said, “I would give my right arm to play like that.”His response has stayed with her through the years. “Would you?Would you really?Because that’s what it takes.That is what I did.”While other children were running and playing in the streets, he chose to practice the piano.While other boys were playing baseball his hands were learning how to make music.He knew what he wanted and he did everything he could to attain that goal.
So as I sit here in limbo trying to weigh my options I have decided that I need to decide what it is that I really want.What do I want in five or ten years?Is it a house, a farm, a boat?For me, those things are secondary.What I want, is a happy and whole family.I want a husband who may have scars but whose wounds have healed.I want children who are happy and productive.
They should understand that they can do hard things.They can reach any goal they set for themselves.I want them to learn that even when life throws you a curve ball, you still have options.You can smash it out of the park.You can hit it and bide your time on first base.Even if you try with all your might, you might strike out.But there will be other pitches, other times at bat, other games to win.
Sounds great. I want a happy little family. To some people that may sound like a very vague goal.But in my situation there are some very specific things that we must do to reach that goal.The first thing is to help Jax heal from the trials that are still plaguing his dreams and turning them into nightmares.We have other trials to heal from, some visible and some very personal.There are financial, physical, and emotional elements to consider.
That being said.As I weigh my options, I feel like I have a clearer view of my path.If I want Jax better then I need to live where he can get proper care.I will make the best of this curve ball…I’m going to smash this thing out of the park!And I will enjoy the journey as I go.
Julie and I are very happy to announce that we have made some plans for our future. There is still a lot of info we don’t have, and so nothing long-term is settled, but we’ve decided we’ll expect the worse, use it as a starting point, and plan from there. At this point though, even being able to make one decision about the future seems like an extraordinary event. So I apologize in advance if this announcement seems small to you… it isn’t to us!
This Summer
After my parents complete their celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary in May, a major remodel of their home will begin. The purpose of this remodel will be to make the necessary improvements and repairs for our family of 10 to move in sometime before next school year begins (late Aug or Sept?).
You read that right, Julie and I will be moving into my parents home in Utah and are planning on living there indefinitely. This will give us plenty of time to figure out where we are in the other aspects of our lives. The hardest part about this is going to be telling all of our friends back in MO that we aren’t coming back. We’ve longingly looked forward to going back there from the moment we landed here.
Mental health care
The biggest reason for staying here in the SLC area instead of heading back to the farm is so that I can continue receiving the VA care here that I just wasn’t getting back in MO or AR. If I’m going to ever complete my journey for mental wellness I need to get some professional help. I’ve been getting that here. And seeing what I have available here, compared to what I was receiving, makes it clear that what I was getting, wasn’t nearly what I needed.
I know that with PTSD and other mental health issues that there isn’t a “cure” – no person has told me I can be cured – but that they can help me to overcome the symptoms and to live a more normal and less stress-filled life. So we’ll stay here until we think that I’ve reached a level of success that we are comfortable with.
We anticipate this will be a matter of years. There is no test to determine when this is “done.” It’s something we can’t put a date on for completion; maybe it’ll be decades. Going through the Canines With A Cause course is anticipated to take about 2 years to complete, so it would be at least that long, and probably much longer. We’ll stay as long as it takes.
Finances
Our financial situation was another important aspect of this decision. Due to the huge financial blow that losing the house was, we aren’t in a position to rebuild on the farm right now anyway. Even if the insurance reverses course and covers us though, we still have made the mental health treatments our first priority, and would just hold those funds until we are ready to go back.
We just don’t have the funds to cover both a rental here AND to cover the mortgage. The house in MO doesn’t exist, but we are still paying for it. Our only income is my VA disability. There is just no way to live on that VA income if we have to pay for rent and a mortgage. There’s not enough left over to live on. I’ve covered that in this post. Moving in with my parents eliminates that need for rent. Really, from a financial aspect, this is our only option. Thankfully it is one we can live with.
2-5 Year Plan
This is where it gets harder to discern the future. We don’t know when/if I’ll ever be better, so making plans is difficult. Caitlin and Joshua will graduate high school here if we stay that long. JR will be old enough for Kindergarten in that time. If we’re here that long though Julie will finally be able to pick fruit off of a tree she’s planted! That would be nice!
We’ve planted 40+ fruit trees and never picked a piece of fruit!
I would still like to plan on moving us to a sail boat at some point. Those plans are obviously hard to make though. Maybe that’ll be in the 10 year range for planning?? I started following about 4 blogs from people who have done it though. I’ll continue to read those and keep dreaming and making plans. I’ll also keep updating this blog, if for no other reason than to document our activities for our kids.
Somewhere along the line either I’ll get well enough to find work, or Julie will need to. VA income alone will never be enough to rebuild with (or purchase a boat). No matter what we do we are certain it will involve a good amount of juggling and compromise.
Additional Benefits
My parents are thrilled with the idea of us moving in. They’ve been asking us to do it for years. One of the main reasons they like the idea is that they like to travel. They would often spend months at a time with us in MO or AR. Eventually they would have to leave though because something needed to be done at the house. With us living there, they can now travel and not worry about how the house is fairing. They will travel when they want and come home to see the grandkids when they want. They make it sound like they will basically turn the house over to us and will come visit occasionally.
Moving in with them also gives us access to their 2.5 acres. That is enough land for us to have another milk cow. We won’t ship Lady across the country, but will find a mini-jersey here for us. We can also garden and plant fruit trees (again). I think we can have chickens too. All of these will help with the financial burden we are expecting. The farm-style life we love is still accessible.
I can also pursue the service dog that I was hoping to get from Canines With A Cause. We think that will be a big asset in my path to mental wellness. And since our plans begin with my becoming well, we’re looking forward to that.
And of course I couldn’t give a list of benefits without mentioning being close to family. We’ll obviously be close to my parents. But additionally, almost all of our family still lives along the Wasatch Front. My only sibling lives here, and all but one of Julie’s does too. We might be able to make it to a family reunion for the first time in quite a while 🙂
The Take Away
Our plans are malleable. We could beat them into any shape we choose. We aren’t thrilled that this is basically our only viable option (but we are thrilled that our only option happens to be a good one). Returning to our uber-supportive friends in MO would be awesome, but because of the care I’m receiving here, it just seems foolish to leave when receiving that treatment is our first priority.
I’m not going to give up on sailing, and Julie will not give up on the farm. As soon as we feel like I am closer to being … normal (we can’t say “cured”) … we will think about making plans to move on. If we happen to have enough funds available to think about life aboard a boat, then perhaps we’ll make it happen. If not, then the farm might beckon as well.
So stay tuned… hopefully a whole world of adventure still lies ahead!
