Examining My Motivation

This question was asked during church this week… “What motivates you?” I was able to sit through about 10 minutes of discussion before JR started fussing. He was loud enough that I needed to leave so that he didn’t bother the rest of the class. So I sat with him in the hall and thought about that singular question… what is my motivation?

Searching for Motivation

The first answer that came to mind to me is “I have no motivation.” I didn’t share this with the class, but kept it to myself. I do find it very hard much of the time to find motivation to do anything. I’m in a depressed mood much of the time.

Even when I have the desire to get up and do something, quite often the chronic pain is there to change my mind. I want to get up and be outside doing things, but knowing they are going to hurt while doing them AND continue hurting long after I’ve stopped makes it extremely difficult to do much at all.

Fear of pain

But that means that I am motivated to stay docile because of fear of pain. Having many times experienced headaches so bad that they leave me vomiting or blacked out, I find pain avoidance to be highly motivating.

Now, because I know that continuing to gain weight will also cause more pain, I do find motivation to do what I can. Even 8 years after being medically discharged I am still trying to find the threshold between activity and pain. The same fear of pain that sucks motivation from me, also makes me want to get up and do what I can so that I don’t get worse. It is a balancing act that I often feel I am failing at.

Love of family

Love for my family is the one thing that consistently overcome my fear of pain. I will do what NEEDS to be done for them even if I know it will be painful. Right now this is happening with getting my parents house cleaned out. We NEED a permanent place to live. Every day I wake up stiff, sore, and nauseated from pain. But the clock is ticking toward start of the next school year, so I get up and get moving.

Before this though there were many days when I probably would have stayed in bed all day. Or if I did get up, I wouldn’t go anywhere as I hate being in public. If it weren’t that Julie hates this and it makes her feel bad, then I’d never leave the house.

But making Julie happy and wanting to see the kids is enough to get me out of bed and dressed. It’s really been the only thing getting me to church for years. Don’t misunderstand, I love my church. I have a deep and abiding faith in Christ. But the pain and PTSD would be enough to keep me from attending except that Julie wants me there with the family. So I go, for love of the family.

Other motivation?

I don’t know if I can come up with another one. I don’t do much pleasure seeking, I don’t care about money, I’d rather not be famous. While at Fort Huachuca I lost the will to live, and am only still here today because of my love for Julie and the kids. There are occasionally things I would like to do, but they all largely go unfulfilled for reasons previously discussed. And even when I do something that I “want to do” it is largely unsatisfying.

I have good moments of laughter and love, but am largely unmotivated toward anything in particular. My decision making paradigm can basically be boiled down to pain avoidance and love of family.

I’d love to hear… what motivates you?

Andrew with his puppy — Andrew circa 2015 with our Great Pyrenees puppy ‘Chief’

18 May 201722 May 2017

Raising Some Dough!

Earning Summer Cash

Not wanting to mooch off of Mom and Dad, Caitlin and Joshua are trying to raise money. They have summer activities they need to pay for and items lost in the fire they want to replace. They are already in the hole (to Jax and me) for swimming lessons and summer passes to the pool. Their chosen method to raise money is to sell bread products – loaves, rolls, etc. You might say they are “raising some dough.”

This isn’t new to them. They’ve both been making bread for a long time. We’ve made our own bread at our house for years now, and they both learned to do it. So you won’t be getting experimental bread, you’ll be getting our tried and true recipe for fantastic fresh bread.

Joshua's rolls — They look good, don’t they?

Orders

They would like to find a few regular customers, people who they can provide bread to on a regular basis on certain days of the week (Mr Jones every Monday; Mrs Smith on Tues. and Fri. for example). It’s available any day of the week except Sunday. It would be best if they didn’t have more than 4 loaves of bread or 4 dozen rolls on any one day.

One time orders are welcome as well! They won’t turn anyone away.

For special occasions they would do more 4 per day. For example, if you have a family reunion this summer and would like 12 dozen rolls, that would be fine with some advance notice. These would be great for occasions like Memorial Day BBQ, Birthday parties, Thanksgiving dinner, family Christmas Party.

All bread is white bread for now. As soon as we can get our wheat grinder from Missouri we will be able to offer wheat bread too.

Pricing

One loaf of bread: $5

One dozen rolls: $5

Half dozen rolls: $3

Half dozen cinnamon rolls: $5

2-4 Bread Bowls (for soup): $5 … number depends on the size you want the bowl.

Special pricing available for larger orders. If you want a specialty bread, like Italian bread, then make a request and they may be willing to fill it.

Shipping

Neither of these two can drive, so we’re anticipating customers to be local (in the PG area). We will deliver to you in that area. If you live outside of PG and want bread (rolls for lunch, or cinnamon rolls for the office maybe), then we will have to make arrangements for pickup (we could meet you near a freeway entrance for instance).

Morning delivery will be most likely. They will wake up, make the dough, and deliver the breads when they are done baking. You could have fresh, hot bread in the mornings for breakfast!

Would you like the smell of fresh bread in the morning?

For large special orders we can make arrangements for delivery to other locations. Again, just give us enough advance notice and we’ll make sure the kids take good care of you.

Order Your Dough Now!

So if you would like a weekly delivery of specially made fresh bread, then order now! We’ll take orders for up to 4 loaves, or 4 dozen rolls, per day. You can order by filling out the form below, private message on Facebook, or give us a call at 870-291-1520. Be sure to tell us which day you’d like regular deliveries on!

Satisfaction guaranteed. They are kids. They’ve been known to occasionally forget to add things like salt, or sugar. So if you get a bad batch then it will be replaced for free.

Payment expected upon delivery. Cash is preferred.

If you haven’t tasted our manna from heaven before, than a free sample will be provided upon request.

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17 May 2017

Creating a YouTube Channel

Believe it or not, creating a YouTube channel is free and easy.

But, Why YouTube?

As it also turns out, I can’t upload video that is any larger than 64Mb directly to this blog. That is only about 4 minutes of video. I had promised video of the Central Elementary mini-marathon race and spent about an hour editing the video I took trying to make it small enough upload. I just couldn’t get the file small enough… and so

Enter YouTube.

I should be able to upload a video of any size to YouTube and then embed it into the blog. That is the hope anyway. I think it should work. Someone please correct me if I’m wrong. I won’t know for sure until this video is uploaded… and it is taking long enough for me to write this entire post. :/

How do you find the Jensen Journey Channel?

Easy… Here is the link for you to follow (I hope it works, please let me know if it doesn’t). Or you could just go to YouTube and do a channel search for “Jensen Journey” (I have no idea if that will work). If you have an account you can subscribe and follow us and there will be a permanent link on your homepage.

Am I getting a little ostentatious with our own channel? Yes! Does that bother me? No! Should I care more about that? Probably. But hey, I have mental problems, so you really shouldn’t criticize me 🙂

So we hope that you will soon find yourself enjoying more videos on this blog. Getting people to visit that channel isn’t the goal here. Our goal was just to find a way to post longer videos of our adventures here on the blog. Hopefully it will work the way I want it to. Any other advice about this is welcome.

14 May 201723 May 2017

Mother’s Day

My thoughts on a beautiful Mother’s Day morning.

I am sitting here in an almost silent house (JR woke up about an hour and a half ago and has been playing quietly at my feet), contemplating Mother’s Day and what it has meant to me over the years.

When I was a child and the entire focus was on my mother, I found joy and a little bit of pride in this day. I have a truly amazing mom. I loved giving her my handprints, artwork, homegrown flowers in paper cups, writing her witty little poem, or making her a treat. I hope she felt loved as these small tokens graced her lap once a year. I loved standing in church with the other primary children singing to my mom and watching her smile at her little brood. Mother’s Day was great from the innocent viewpoint of a child.

Then I became a new mom and this day failed to meet the expectations that TV, facebook, and my own imagination had conjured up. I don’t think I have ever had breakfast in bed. Let’s face it, I think the last time I slept in was in 2000. Pampering is not a word in my vocabulary. Though an occasional footrub has occurred, keeping my feet up while everyone takes care of daily chores hasn’t quite happened yet. And the Sunday sermon on motherhood usually has me feeling like I am in last place on the Best Mother Award list. So why do we mothers do this to ourselves.

We set expectations that no one can meet. We feel unhappy when they aren’t met. We feel unhappy when our loved ones try to meet them, because we see their efforts but… We feel guilty about feeling unhappy. One year I banned Facebook on Mother’s Day. I didn’t want to see what someone else’s husband, or kids did for them. I didn’t want to see those other “perfect” moms feeling joy and pride in their position at the top of the “Best Mother Award” list. Nope, I chose to wallow in self-pity on the day that we have set apart to honor and celebrate the role of mothers. Wow! Really?…Really? Yes, really. It’s true. I had a stretch there when I truly HATED Mother’s Day. I look back now and feel horrible that I failed to appreciate what I had, what my family tried to do. But I don’t think I’m the only one. And so, I want to share what I did to turn this day into a day filled with peace and love instead of one of dreaded loathing.

Focus on the blessings. No matter our circumstance, we have been blessed. Focus on those blessings. It may feel artificial and Pollyanna-like but do it. My baby woke me up an hour earlier than he usually does. Why? Because it’s Mother’s Day and I am “supposed” to be sleeping in while my children bring me an elaborate breakfast on a tray. But instead of griping, I held him a little longer. Look at what I have been blessed with. Pill or not, He is mine and I love our noisy little mornings together. Instead of dwelling on that elaborate breakfast that has not yet occurred in my 14 years of motherhood. I just smiled as my two year old chose his cereal with excitement. “This one!” Yep, there is zero effort involved in putting a smile on his face. And that puts a smile on mine.

And this is how the rest of my morning will go now that I am older and wiser. I will still change diapers, I will still find shoes, I will still get eight children ready for church just like I do the other 51 Sundays of the year. BUT, I will choose to be grateful for each chore. I will smile and make fun of how such a smell can come from such cuteness. I will be grateful that we have milk for cereal, that there is warm water for my shower. Instead of picking a fight with the multiple children that were asked to empty the bathroom trashcan yesterday, I will either: Do it myself and be grateful we have a garbage service to haul it away on Wednesday. Or I will ask someone to take it out again in a nonchalant, “I just noticed it needs to be taken out” kind of way. If I can’t find church shoes (which seems to happen more often that not on Mother’s Day), we will go barefoot and be grateful for sunshine that warms our toes. I will choose joy.

That is what sets mother’s apart. We truly do have an unglamorous, 24-7, 366 day a year job. But we can find joy. Even in the marker mess on the wall or forehead. Smile. You are a Daughter of the Most High God and He has asked you to raise these, His precious children! Motherhood is not a prison sentence or a punishment because you happen to be a girl. NO. Motherhood is a gift, a blessing that will live on through the eternities. Feel the truth of that. You are raising the next generation of missionaries, moms and dads, teachers, inventors, artists, farmers, mechanics, soldiers, doctors…………….the possibilities are endless.

Find joy in the journey. Don’t waste a single Mother’s Day feeling like you or your family is not “up to snuff.” Serve them in love and find peace in your majestic calling of Mother. Smile today my sisters. Laugh at the struggles that WILL present themselves today. Cry as your child hangs onto your leg refusing to go to nursery. Embrace all that you are and all that your family sees in you. You are loved more than you could ever comprehend. So…Feel the Love, and Enjoy the Journey.

13 May 2017

Getting Antsy

An Unfulfilled Plan

Julie and I have been all sorts of antsy to get started on the remodel of my parents house. After 6 months of being in limbo it has been great to finally make a plan. Being unable to execute that plan though has been nigh unbearable. It’s like being on the starting line of a race, you’re told to get on your mark and get ready, but nobody ever yells “Go!”

I can’t even say for sure that we’re ready. I don’t know that we know for sure what to do first, or if my parents have any set-in-stone plans. I’m sure that time is going to fly by this summer, so we probably should have hashed some of that out already. C’est la Vie.

What to do next

We have been having discussions about what to do next. We need to make arrangements to get the rest of our stuff from Missouri out here to Utah. Things that aren’t coming to Utah need to be sold, like our livestock and probably the tractor.

I did go to the high school and middle school and registered both Caitlin and Joshua for school next year (another post on this later). At some point we’ll have to see about getting new UT paperwork (Drivers Licenses, car registration, etc). I hope that can wait awhile though.

Mostly though, things haven’t changed since we made the decision to stay in Utah. I keep going to VA appointments 2x a week. Julie keeps the kids alive and doing well in school. The difference now is that we feel good about having a plan, and antsy about getting started on it.

I’m going to try to add a picture to the end of each post from now on so that you can see us. I’m sure the pics will be more appreciated than my words anyway!