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Health Update

I thought since I’ve posted quite a few times about health issues that I should give an update.

Weight Loss Attempt

The goal continues.   Since we started really working on my parents place we stopped the morning veggie drink in the interest of time; and I’ve only been mediocre on the self control after 8pm.

As such, I haven’t lost a ton of weight.  But I have lost some.  Depending on how I stand on a notoriously unreliable scale it is possible that I’m under 300lbs.  Lean a little one way and I’m under, lean a little the other and I’m not.  But I think I am down at least a few pounds from the 310 I was a few months ago.

I think that loss is almost exclusively to the pool time almost every afternoon AND spending 4-6 hours a day in a 100F room building walls and such.  Together the sweat box and the swimming hole have done me a little good!

Numb Hand

The numbness in my hand is still there unfortunately.  The medical info that I read about says it should take a few weeks to go away if I take care of it.  And since I still spend too much time at the computer (the activity I think is responsible because of how I rest my arm on the edge of the desk) I’m not sure when it will go away.

The numbness is one of the reasons I haven’t been posting as much lately.  I’ve been trying to not sit here too often.

Mental Health

I’m still a nutcase!  That might always be true, but I’m trying to deal with it better than I have in the past.  I’m still going to my weekly VA appointments and meeting with the counsellor.

I’ve also started the Canines With A Cause classes.  Those are once a week and in the primary stage that I’m in now it is mostly learning how to train your dog; basic canine psychology and such.  They will hopefully be able to find me a good dog to adopt.  If not then I’ll have to find one myself at some point.  (If any of you would like to donate a dog to me, I’d be thrilled and highly appreciative!).

Back/Headaches

I hurt like crazy all the time.  I’m sure I’m taking more Ibuprofren than is good for me, but since I need a home to live in permanently I need to keep going.  There have been a few mornings where the headaches were so bad that I was vomiting, but only a few.

My back is holding out okay.  It hurts, and I’m only able to do about 30 minutes of real labor each day.  Thankfully I’m able to use Julie, Caitlin, and Joshua to largely do the things that need to be done by just being near by and directing them.   There aren’t really too many things that need someone big and strong to do.  So it’s slow, but it’s coming along.  And my back does what it must in order to keep going.

Hopefully we can get through this without a complete physical (or mental) breakdown again.

 

 

 

 

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My Scout Camp

I went to scout camp on June 12-17.  We went to camp Tifi up next to Mt. Pleasant. The camp was up in the mountains so at certain places you had a very good view of everything. There were ten boys and a couple leaders. The boys that went with me are Dallin, Caleb, TJ, Jaeden, Charles, Liam, Clint, Sam, Braiden, and me.

Monday

Monday was our first day and we spent the first half of the day taking a tour of the camp.  Our camp assistant was Ben Barlow, but because we were all twelve (and slightly immature) we all called him Barley. In our tour we saw all the different camp sites, all the places the different merit badges took place, the pool, the trading post (this is where you bought stuff at), the mess hall, the zip lines, and basically everything there. Afterwards, we went and set up our tent at the camp site and decide who would sleep where.

After we had camp all set up we went to lunch at the mess hall. The main course was pizza but it was very pasty and gross. Thankfully there was much more to eat. It was basically a very large buffet. You could have as much cereal or salad as you wanted. There was cake and pie and lots of juices. They had chips, soups, and sandwiches. We all probably ate our weight in cereal and everything else that week. So meals were some of the best times we had at scout camp because we are boys.

Merit badges

 

After lunch we went to do our separate merit badges. I did survivor with Caleb and Liam on Monday and Tuesday. The survivor track contained the merit badges, Pioneering, Indian Lore, and Wilderness Survival. We only got the Wilderness Survival badge signed off because the Indian Lore cost thirty dollars and the Pioneering teachers didn’t like our knots. For the Wilderness Survivor badge  we had to do some fire starting. We had to start them with flint and steel, nine volt battery, and a magnifying glass. Then we had to show the leader our seventy-two hour kits. Then he signed of our badge.

Tuesday

 

On Tuesday we had to go down to the lower field to do a flag ceremony. After the flags were posted the commissioner introduced  us to the spirit stick. Every flag ceremony he would give the spirit stick to one troop who could take back to camp and put an item on it to decorate it. Then the next morning at our flag ceremony he would give the stick to someone else. The method our commissioner used to  chose which troop to give the stick to is having each of the troops do cheers. The troop that was the best got to take the stick for that day. We never won the cheering contest.

So after breakfast we all went to our merit badges where we finished them and got them signed off by the teacher. Then we had a time called troop time. During troop time your troop got to sit at camp and do whatever. So usually my troop either played mafia or wrestled in the dirt for fun. But every time we would sit around the smoldering fire and watch it.  Occasionally someone would spray it with bug spray, which was fairly dangerous, but thankfully no one started on fire. We also had a time called open program. In that time you could go to your merit badges to finish them, go to the shooting ranges, sit at camp, go to the trading post, and mostly everything you could do there.

 

Wednesday- Thursday

 

On Wednesday we all changed merit badges. Now almost all of our troop was doing the waterlogged track. It contained Swimming and Lifesaving. Everybody who did the track got both of the merit badges. Wednesday they taught us all the strokes. We had to do the sidestroke, freestyle, backstroke, elementary backstroke, and breath stroke.

There were seventy kids so they split us into three groups and taught us in rotations. One spot taught strokes, one taught lifesaving, and at the last one you had to dolphin dive nine feet, grab a brick, and bring it back up. After the merit badge time ended and free time started none of us went anywhere because were so worn out. So we all sat around the fire with a can of Axe and bug spray until dinner.

On Thursday we had to swim 550 yards doing all of the strokes. They had us do 150 before lunch and then the other 400 after. While you were swimming if you stopped for more than five seconds then you had to start over. After we finally finished the swimming and the lifeguards signed off our merit badges, my troop was dead. We went back to camp and sat and talked for a while until we got up the energy to go sit at the trading post.  Then dinner rolled around and we sat up there for a hour or two. We went back to camp started a fire and played games in the woods until about 10 o’clock. Then we had reflections of the day and went to bed.

 

Friday

 

On Friday we didn’t have any merit badges to do because it was the game day at camp. After lunch we went to the COPE and did the rope course and the zip lines. You had to be a certain height for the rope course so only three of us did it because the rest of the troop is short. But the short guys could still do the zip lines. On the rope course you were up forty-five feet and had to walk on small ropes to get to the other pole that you could stand on. You had two carabineers to catch you if you slipped but it was still really freaky. The whole thing was scary except the zip lines but that is what made it so much fun.

After the zip lines we all went to the shooting range for about two hours. We did the rifle and the archery. On the rifle we all did pretty good. Our leader hit the center on about every shot every time he shot. On archery we all shot we about the same. We couldn’t get the bullseye, but we did miss the target plenty.   But we all got a few on the target. After we finished that we went to Swords of Helaman.

 

Games

 

We had to go the middle of the field and get these foam swords. We were split into teams and then we were told to kill each other. If someone’s sword hit you anywhere you were dead. That was a blast.  My troop was on the same team so we stayed in a pack and slowly moved around the field to kill once all the teams had spread out. We killed many men that day.

That all ended after a good hour and we all went to lunch. Then we were able to watch the boat race which was pretty cool. Then we did the Swords of Helaman when it started again. It was just like the last one. We went back up to the shooting range once that ended and had fun up there. Then we had dinner and went to the camp Campfire.

 

Campfire

 

 

We all watched the skits that were preformed and laughed and talked. We had a skit but it didn’t win the competition to get into the Campfire. Then the staff members had a slideshow of pictures of everything that went on that week. After they finished the commissioners came and had the spirit sticks to show us. They talked about the enthusiasm that was with all the cheers and how much fun they had. Then they said they would give the spirit stick to the troop that had the best cheers and enthusiasm on everything throughout the week even though they had never won the cheer contest. After they finished building tension they announced that our troop got to keep the spirit stick. We had been sad during the week that we never won,  but this changed it all.

 

Leaving Camp

 

 

Then they sent us back to camp with a final goodbye. We sat around the fire and talked about all the fun things that had happened at camp. After about an hour of that we decided to go to our tents because we had to wake up early to take down camp. My tent stayed awake for another hour talking about all the people and all the fun things we did.

When we woke up the next morning we took down camp and left for home. On the drive we all slept until we got to PG. Now every time we see each other at church or for our Wednesday meetings you can always hear something that happened at camp come up in our conversations.  We all enjoyed it and we wish we never had to leave.

 

 

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Penrod Family Reunion

Yesterday was the Penrod family reunion (Julie’s family).  The desired location was Payson Lakes in southern Utah County.   We had five out of six families show up and had a great time.

Highlights

With 26 people it was tough to catch them all on video or camera without making it a dedicated goal, which I didn’t.   I’m not sure even all of my own kids made it on here, so my apologies to anyone who feels like they got shorted or left out.

This was just a one day event at the lake.  We enjoyed the day just relaxing and playing water sports.   The paddle board and kayaks were a great hit and even the little kids loved the water.  I think all but three people got in and got wet.

Three of the families actually decided to do some camping the night before, and so they all got together for a pre-reunion campout.   The other two families (including us) arrived around 11 am and stayed until approximately 5pm.  It was about as much sun as I could take.

The sun burns were surprisingly mild and I was only worried about one child getting heat stroke/exhaustion (mostly because of the ride home with grandparents when the AC stopped working).

Lots of water, lots of fun, and lots of laughter.  It was a fantastic way to spend the day.   I hope that everyone else felt the same way.  We’ll look forward to the Penrod family reunion again next year.

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Mental Health Crisis

While I had an absolute blast on Saturday at the Elders Quorum social shootout, it wasn’t all roses and might have started me on the path toward a mental health crisis.

Dealing with Mental Health Issues

While I have several firearms, and feel like I am quite proficient in their use, I don’t actually use them all that often. Last weekend was the first time in 2017.  I think I only had them out once in all of 2016.

I’ve even stopped carrying my sidearm.  I still have my carry permit, fully support carrying, and think it is largely a smart thing to do.  But while I think having one is a good idea for most people, unfortunately I think it might be more dangerous for myself to have one.  Maybe as my treatments at the VA continue this will improve.

I was slightly nervous about the shootout on Saturday, but mostly that was nervousness about other people’s safe handling of the weapons.  And everything at the event was fine.  I felt good.  But later, after returning home, I started not doing so well.

Mental Health Crisis

I don’t know even if it is directly relatable to the shootout.   I was slightly depressed all afternoon afterwards though.  And when I get depressed I want to snack as a way to distract myself.  About 10pm I headed to the store to pick up a bag of chips.  I had the windows down as I drove to feel the cool night air.

There is a Maverick gas station on the corner of  state street and 300 East in Pleasant Grove.  As I went through that intersection a man I didn’t see yelled to someone else, “Hey, will you…(something). ”   I can’t identify why, probably the inflection in his voice similar to somebody else I knew, but something about that sentence had me back at Fort Huachuca in an instant.

As I rounded the corner of that intersection, only a fraction of a second after hearing the words, I was already in a panic.  I was shaking and terrified.  Immediately I pulled over into the Smith’s parking near the same corner.   I spent 20 minutes there just trying to breath; to relax; to convince myself that I WAS safe.  It was as long a 20 minutes as I’ve had in quite a while.

I texted Julie, only telling her that I wish she had come because I was feeling “some anxiety.”  I had thought about telling her to grab Blake (her father) and coming to pick me up.  I was in really bad shape, but I didn’t do that because I didn’t want to reveal to Blake/Joan how bad I was doing.  (Yes, I see the irony of that decision and then sharing it here on the blog.)

Ongoing Issues

The only reason I relate this to the shooting at all is that during the episode I kept hearing the gunshots ringing in my ears.  They’re probably unrelated.

I eventually convinced myself I WAS safe and calmed down.  I made it home just fine.  That was Saturday night.  Sunday was… difficult.  No full blown meltdown at church like I’ve done before, but periods of it were difficult to get through.

Monday was… fine.  Julie has spent several days trying to coax me to talk.  But I don’t know what to say to her.  She can tell I haven’t been well. Nightmares, as expected, have been worse than normal.

Today, Tuesday, wasn’t a great day either.  This morning, still on edge and dealing poorly with the stress, I got a phone call from the insurance which didn’t help (I’ll write more about that in another post).  That was while on the way to my parents to do some work again today.

No work took place though.  While discussing what needed to be done my Dad made some fairly benign comments directed at me that set me off.  I didn’t want to blow up so I just left.  I stood, said I couldn’t handle it today, and left.  Julie tried to stop me saying Dad was just joking.  I said I was leaving and if she wanted a ride home she better get in the car too.  A few minutes later we were on the road back home.

Family is great… but everyone needs a friend!

So here I sit feeling like a grade A loser unable to control his emotions.  I feel like I’m just barely hanging on.   I wish desperately I had a friend to call.  The one and only good friend I feel like I’ve had since my discharge is now way back in Missouri, possibly never to be seen again.  A while back he suggested I get out there and meet people, saying I’m a great guy and will find friends.

Despite feeling like I’ve tried doing that, it hasn’t happened yet.  Everybody else at my stage in life seems to already be set in stone with work, schedules, friends, family.  Nobody has time/room in their life for a needy, broken vet.  I can’t blame them.  I wouldn’t really want to hang out with a depressing mental case either.

I’m desperately missing Joshua, who is at Scout Camp this week.  With him here I could find a reason to get out of the house at least and go help him practice some basketball or golf.

Don’t panic… I know I’m loved.

I know Julie loves me, and so do the kids.  And my parents.  I know that.  I know I can talk to them (despite what happened with my Dad today).  I’m sure I could probably reach a church leader or two.   I know there are people to talk with, even if it is only because of their calling, but I wish I had even one good friend as well who I could call up and get together with.

And I wish I could stop all this damn crying!