Posted on

Health Update

I thought since I’ve posted quite a few times about health issues that I should give an update.

Weight Loss Attempt

The goal continues.   Since we started really working on my parents place we stopped the morning veggie drink in the interest of time; and I’ve only been mediocre on the self control after 8pm.

As such, I haven’t lost a ton of weight.  But I have lost some.  Depending on how I stand on a notoriously unreliable scale it is possible that I’m under 300lbs.  Lean a little one way and I’m under, lean a little the other and I’m not.  But I think I am down at least a few pounds from the 310 I was a few months ago.

I think that loss is almost exclusively to the pool time almost every afternoon AND spending 4-6 hours a day in a 100F room building walls and such.  Together the sweat box and the swimming hole have done me a little good!

Numb Hand

The numbness in my hand is still there unfortunately.  The medical info that I read about says it should take a few weeks to go away if I take care of it.  And since I still spend too much time at the computer (the activity I think is responsible because of how I rest my arm on the edge of the desk) I’m not sure when it will go away.

The numbness is one of the reasons I haven’t been posting as much lately.  I’ve been trying to not sit here too often.

Mental Health

I’m still a nutcase!  That might always be true, but I’m trying to deal with it better than I have in the past.  I’m still going to my weekly VA appointments and meeting with the counsellor.

I’ve also started the Canines With A Cause classes.  Those are once a week and in the primary stage that I’m in now it is mostly learning how to train your dog; basic canine psychology and such.  They will hopefully be able to find me a good dog to adopt.  If not then I’ll have to find one myself at some point.  (If any of you would like to donate a dog to me, I’d be thrilled and highly appreciative!).

Back/Headaches

I hurt like crazy all the time.  I’m sure I’m taking more Ibuprofren than is good for me, but since I need a home to live in permanently I need to keep going.  There have been a few mornings where the headaches were so bad that I was vomiting, but only a few.

My back is holding out okay.  It hurts, and I’m only able to do about 30 minutes of real labor each day.  Thankfully I’m able to use Julie, Caitlin, and Joshua to largely do the things that need to be done by just being near by and directing them.   There aren’t really too many things that need someone big and strong to do.  So it’s slow, but it’s coming along.  And my back does what it must in order to keep going.

Hopefully we can get through this without a complete physical (or mental) breakdown again.

 

 

 

 

Posted on

Insurance Update:

I promised an insurance update last week and never got to it.  I can’t say I’m much more prepared this week to do it either.   My mental state just isn’t good I’m afraid.

Insurance Update:

But just so you don’t feel like I’ve left you hanging, we have officially been denied coverage for the fire.  Maybe later this week or next I’ll be able to write about what this means and what we plan to do.  Thanks for understanding the lack of info at this time.

 

Posted on

Feeling Numb

I haven’t posted much lately.  That’s because I’ve been feeling rather numb.

NUMB

As someone with depression, numbness isn’t new to me… and yet it is.  While I have also been feeling quite emotionally numb, what I’m referring too is an actual physical numbness that has taken hold of my left arm.

Tuesday of last week I lost feeling in about 1/2 of my left hand and a good portion of my forearm.   My pinkie, ring finger, the portion of the hand below them, and down into my forearm to my elbow is all tingly and numb.

I don’t think I’m having a slow heart attack, and I don’t remember hitting it on anything.  I have no explanation for why this has happened.  At first I thought my arm had just fallen asleep, but it hasn’t woken up for a week now.

REACTION

I haven’t done anything about it yet.  I called the VA and there was a 15 minute wait on the phone to schedule an appointment, so I hung up.  Waiting that long would have made the rest of me numb too!  If it doesn’t get better than I’ll be force to call back I’m afraid.

I mentioned it at my mental health group meeting last week and one of the VA guys said that my Ulnar nerve runs down the arm and if it were pinched it would cause numbness in those fingers.   I was interested in that, so I looked up more info on it.

ulnar nerve numbness

Turns out he was right.  I often rest the inside of my elbow on the edge of the desk while on the computer.  The cause, symptoms,  and other info here was exactly as I’ve experienced.  Gold-star for Alan!

I says it can go away in a few weeks (!?!) at home.  If not to see a Dr.  If it doesn’t go away then it may need some surgery (!!!).  So, I won’t be spending as much time at my computer desk.  So if you don’t here as much from me you’ll know why.

Post about the insurance call I mentioned last week is still coming.

Josh will hopefully be posting about his first Scout Camp, so look for that upcoming!

Thanks for all the love and support!

Posted on

Mental Health Crisis

While I had an absolute blast on Saturday at the Elders Quorum social shootout, it wasn’t all roses and might have started me on the path toward a mental health crisis.

Dealing with Mental Health Issues

While I have several firearms, and feel like I am quite proficient in their use, I don’t actually use them all that often. Last weekend was the first time in 2017.  I think I only had them out once in all of 2016.

I’ve even stopped carrying my sidearm.  I still have my carry permit, fully support carrying, and think it is largely a smart thing to do.  But while I think having one is a good idea for most people, unfortunately I think it might be more dangerous for myself to have one.  Maybe as my treatments at the VA continue this will improve.

I was slightly nervous about the shootout on Saturday, but mostly that was nervousness about other people’s safe handling of the weapons.  And everything at the event was fine.  I felt good.  But later, after returning home, I started not doing so well.

Mental Health Crisis

I don’t know even if it is directly relatable to the shootout.   I was slightly depressed all afternoon afterwards though.  And when I get depressed I want to snack as a way to distract myself.  About 10pm I headed to the store to pick up a bag of chips.  I had the windows down as I drove to feel the cool night air.

There is a Maverick gas station on the corner of  state street and 300 East in Pleasant Grove.  As I went through that intersection a man I didn’t see yelled to someone else, “Hey, will you…(something). ”   I can’t identify why, probably the inflection in his voice similar to somebody else I knew, but something about that sentence had me back at Fort Huachuca in an instant.

As I rounded the corner of that intersection, only a fraction of a second after hearing the words, I was already in a panic.  I was shaking and terrified.  Immediately I pulled over into the Smith’s parking near the same corner.   I spent 20 minutes there just trying to breath; to relax; to convince myself that I WAS safe.  It was as long a 20 minutes as I’ve had in quite a while.

I texted Julie, only telling her that I wish she had come because I was feeling “some anxiety.”  I had thought about telling her to grab Blake (her father) and coming to pick me up.  I was in really bad shape, but I didn’t do that because I didn’t want to reveal to Blake/Joan how bad I was doing.  (Yes, I see the irony of that decision and then sharing it here on the blog.)

Ongoing Issues

The only reason I relate this to the shooting at all is that during the episode I kept hearing the gunshots ringing in my ears.  They’re probably unrelated.

I eventually convinced myself I WAS safe and calmed down.  I made it home just fine.  That was Saturday night.  Sunday was… difficult.  No full blown meltdown at church like I’ve done before, but periods of it were difficult to get through.

Monday was… fine.  Julie has spent several days trying to coax me to talk.  But I don’t know what to say to her.  She can tell I haven’t been well. Nightmares, as expected, have been worse than normal.

Today, Tuesday, wasn’t a great day either.  This morning, still on edge and dealing poorly with the stress, I got a phone call from the insurance which didn’t help (I’ll write more about that in another post).  That was while on the way to my parents to do some work again today.

No work took place though.  While discussing what needed to be done my Dad made some fairly benign comments directed at me that set me off.  I didn’t want to blow up so I just left.  I stood, said I couldn’t handle it today, and left.  Julie tried to stop me saying Dad was just joking.  I said I was leaving and if she wanted a ride home she better get in the car too.  A few minutes later we were on the road back home.

Family is great… but everyone needs a friend!

So here I sit feeling like a grade A loser unable to control his emotions.  I feel like I’m just barely hanging on.   I wish desperately I had a friend to call.  The one and only good friend I feel like I’ve had since my discharge is now way back in Missouri, possibly never to be seen again.  A while back he suggested I get out there and meet people, saying I’m a great guy and will find friends.

Despite feeling like I’ve tried doing that, it hasn’t happened yet.  Everybody else at my stage in life seems to already be set in stone with work, schedules, friends, family.  Nobody has time/room in their life for a needy, broken vet.  I can’t blame them.  I wouldn’t really want to hang out with a depressing mental case either.

I’m desperately missing Joshua, who is at Scout Camp this week.  With him here I could find a reason to get out of the house at least and go help him practice some basketball or golf.

Don’t panic… I know I’m loved.

I know Julie loves me, and so do the kids.  And my parents.  I know that.  I know I can talk to them (despite what happened with my Dad today).  I’m sure I could probably reach a church leader or two.   I know there are people to talk with, even if it is only because of their calling, but I wish I had even one good friend as well who I could call up and get together with.

And I wish I could stop all this damn crying!

 

 

 

 

 

Posted on

Examining My Motivation

This question was asked  during church this week… “What motivates you?”  I was able to sit through about 10 minutes of discussion before JR started fussing.  He was loud enough that I needed to leave so that he didn’t bother the rest of the class.   So I sat with him in the hall and thought about that singular question… what is my motivation?

Searching for Motivation

The first answer that came to mind to me is “I have no motivation.”   I didn’t share this with the class, but kept it to myself.   I do find it very hard much of the time to find motivation to do anything.  I’m in a depressed mood much of the time.

Even when I have the desire to get up and do something, quite often the chronic pain is there to change my mind.  I want to get up and be outside doing things, but knowing they are going to hurt while doing them AND continue hurting long after I’ve stopped makes it extremely difficult to do much at all.

Fear of pain

But that means that I am motivated to stay docile because of fear of pain.  Having many times experienced headaches so bad that they leave me vomiting or blacked out, I find pain avoidance to be highly motivating.

Now, because I know that continuing to gain weight will also cause more pain, I do find motivation to do what I can.  Even 8 years after being medically discharged I am still trying to find the threshold between activity and pain.   The same fear of pain that sucks motivation from me, also makes me want to get up and do what I can so that I don’t get worse.  It is a balancing act that I often feel I am failing at.

Love of family

Love for my family is the one thing that consistently overcome my fear of pain.  I will do what NEEDS to be done for them even if I know it will be painful.  Right now this is happening with getting my parents house cleaned out.  We NEED a permanent place to live.  Every day I wake up stiff, sore, and nauseated from pain.   But the clock is ticking toward start of the next school year, so I get up and get moving.

Before this though there were many days when I probably would have stayed in bed all day.  Or if I did get up, I wouldn’t go anywhere as I hate being in public.  If it weren’t that Julie hates this and it makes her feel bad, then I’d never leave the house.

But making Julie happy and wanting to see the kids is enough to get me out of bed and dressed.  It’s really been the only thing getting me to church for years.  Don’t misunderstand,  I love my church.  I have a deep and abiding faith in Christ.   But the pain and PTSD would be enough to keep me from attending except that Julie wants me there with the family.   So I go, for love of the family.

Other motivation?

I don’t know if I can come up with another one.  I don’t do much pleasure seeking, I don’t care about money, I’d rather not be famous.  While at Fort Huachuca I lost the will to live, and am only still here today because of my love for Julie and the kids.   There are occasionally things I would like to do, but they all largely go unfulfilled for reasons previously discussed.   And even when I do something that I “want to do” it is largely unsatisfying.

I have good moments of laughter and love, but am largely unmotivated toward anything in particular.   My decision making paradigm can basically be boiled down to pain avoidance and love of family.

I’d love to hear… what motivates you?

Andrew with his puppy
Andrew circa 2015 with our Great Pyrenees puppy ‘Chief’