Giving Up Hope

Giving Up Hope For A Better Past

I attend a weekly group meeting up at the VA for a specific source of PTSD and we discuss a whole range of issues. This phrase, giving up hope for a better past, is one that has come up a few times in the last couple of weeks. And so it is something I’ve been thinking about occasionally.

Obviously the phrase people are most familiar with is ‘Hope for a better tomorrow’ which has been around for decades (centuries?). This variation of that common phrase apparently has a much more recent origin.

The Past is the Past

No matter how much you want it to be different, your past is your past. There is NOTHING you can do to change it. You can’t go back and change things. Choices you’ve made, things you done, scenes you’ve witnessed, trauma you’ve received, abuse you’ve given, words you’ve said… all of it is unchangeably permanent.

As the original phrase points out, you can always have hope of making things better, of improving the situation created by your past, but your past will never get better. For example, if you stole a candy bar as a kid you can go back and return it, but you can’t un-steal it. You can improve the situation, but you can’t change the past.

If you survived Hurricane Katrina, that will always be with you. If you’ve been raped, you can’t ever undo that. No matter how you apologize, you can’t unsay those unkind words. And if you were in the military, you will always be a veteran.

The reverse of this is also true… you’re past will never get worse. You’ll have always won that race, gotten that promotion, won that spelling bee, and enjoyed that vacation. Whether good or bad, no matter what you’ve done it will always be there as something you have done.

What Would You Hope to Change?

As I’ve been thinking about this phrase, about giving up hope for a better past, I’ve mostly been thinking about what things I would hope to change.

In the group setting at the VA this is obviously focused on the trauma. We (I) would like to change the decisions we made, the places we went, or the people we were with. We wish we’d have turned left instead of right. Taken a buddy with us instead of gone alone. Wish we could have moved faster to someone’s aid. Wish someone else had been tasked with the duty for that day.

Outside the VA this still applies. We wish we’d gotten in that car just a bit earlier, or a bit later, to avoid that accident. Wish we’d made that phone call, not knowing you’d never have a chance to talk to a loved one again. Wish we’d made a different investment. If we’d have only chosen X instead of Y! Almost everyone carries some form of this thought.

But we didn’t make that call, change direction, apologize while we could, etc etc, and nothing we can do now can change it. No amount of regret will take back those last words you said (or didn’t say) before moving out. No amount of hope will make it so you don’t walk into that room. This is no way to make yourself move faster, to choose differently, to avoid what has already happened.

It Isn’t Your Fault!

Even though we can’t change things now, a lot of the guilt and self-hate comes from knowing (or thinking) we could have changed things then. But to have consciously changed things then is just as impossible as trying to change your past now.

It isn’t your fault! You didn’t do what you did KNOWING that something terrible was going to happen. You didn’t CHOOSE what happened. There was no way you could have known that a car accident was going to happen. There was no way you could have known that drink was drugged. No indications that a heart attack was coming. No way of knowing that the IED was set up on that street instead of the other one.

You didn’t choose to have a spouse die, to get raped, to watch a buddy suffer, to experience that trauma. There was no way to know it was coming. There was no reason you would have chosen differently.

And in the military it is doubly so. You don’t choose the duty you are placed on. Others choose your companions. The system chooses your location. There was no way to have chosen differently in order to change the outcome.

It isn’t your fault. You were where you were, when you were there. There is no way to choose differently now, and there was no way of knowing you needed to choose differently before hand. Stop hoping to change your past. You need to stop blaming yourself. You made the same choice that countless others made before you and countless more have made since and they didn’t have the trauma you did. There was no way to know that your choice would end the way it did.

What Would Change Do For ME?

I’m not sure. Do I wake up and hope that I never joined the Army? Am I wishing I’d chosen a different course of training? Done it the same but at a different time? There is no answer. Just as I didn’t know ahead of time what would happen, there is no way to choose a course now and know if it would be better. It could potentially be even worse. There is no way to know.

And to what degree is change good? What would it change and how much? Would I still be healthy and able-bodied? Would I not be as overweight as I am? Not have mental health issues? Still be as social and outgoing as I once was?

But what good things in my life now would be gone if I changed my past. Would I still have the kids I have now? How would my relationship with Julie change? What alterations in those things would I be willing to accept in order to remove the trauma from my past? You’re more of a sage than I am if you can answer that for yourself.

Accepting a Good Present

Perhaps “giving up hope for a better past” is also accepting the situation of the present, and be satisfied that you’ve done your best with what life has given you.

To be honest even that is a bit hard for me now. The present isn’t exactly what I would have chosen either. But even the recent past is beyond my ability to change. I know I have done the best I could, and so accepting the present should be easier, but it is hard not to compare it to what life was as recently as a year ago, and wish that the recent past was better. I suppose I need to do better about giving up hope for that as well.

The Future

I will not be giving up hope for a better future. That is still within the realm of possibility. Given the current state of the ‘present’ I suspect things will get better and easier every day. I know it is hard for me to see at times, but I know the present is actually quite good and wonderful. It’s going to be an interesting journey making it even better.

Thanks for following along with me so far!

I’ll keep you posted!

5 August 2017

Update After My Hiatus

I’ve been on a hiatus and think I should give an update on life. With nothing really going on I just haven’t found anything to write about. Of course things have happened, but they all seem so small and insignificant at the time that they don’t seem worth mentioning. It is only in the accumulation of seemingly insignificant changes that the scope of the change becomes apparent.

HOUSE PROJECT UPDATE

Things aren’t moving as quickly as I’d like, but they are moving about as quickly as they could possibly move. We finished the wiring/plumbing/etc last week; HVAC was installed last week, and the sheetrock was hung this week. The sheetrock mudders will be in on Monday. By the end of the week we should be able to paint.

While the sheetrock was going up this week we were working on the deck that is going out the south side of the great room (going to have to stop calling it that because now it is a collection of small rooms that are no greater than any other rooms). We have the supports up and joists up. We don’t have any decking or railing on yet. That might happen this week while the mudders have us out of the place again this week.

As soon as we can get back in we will paint just as quickly as possible and then get to finishing the bathroom and working on flooring.

I will try to get some video edited of what the space looks like out to you soon!

MISSOURI/FINANCES UPDATE

We have accepted (grudgingly) that we won’t be moving back to MO anytime soon. This is sad. We don’t want to lose the property though just in case we ever do find a way to get back there.

Even though we are way under water on the mortgage for a house that no longer exists, we have still been making the payments. I’ve tried reaching the bank to see if we can work something out but they refuse to speak to me. If nothing else I’d like to get approval to lower my payments since there is no insurance on the property (why would there be?) and the taxes are going to be MUCH lower now with no home.

We have sold our cattle. They have been at a neighbors house since the fire and he took care of them over the winter. I had him haul them to auction this week and should get a check for them soon. That will help out a lot of things!

We haven’t decided how/when we are going to collect the rest of our things. I think it is feasible to have everything loaded into my storage unit and then ship the entire thing here to Utah, but I don’t have a good way of getting it all loaded. I could ask friends/neighbors to do it for me, but that seems like a big ask. Maybe my Dad goes back and does it with help. May I have to do it? Still undecided.

FAMILY UPDATE

Everyone is fine. Caitlin (15) and Joshua (13) had birthdays. Everyone is healthy and enjoying the summer. They’d like to not be working at my parents so much, but it hasn’t been bad. With frequent (near daily) trips to the pool or the new splash pad in Bluffdale they are all getting out a lot. They’ve done some hiking and sports too.

I think everyone is apprehensive about the move. We know my parents place won’t be done. We only have 2 weeks from today, so I don’t even know what state of cleanliness it will be in. But school is starting, so we will move in regardless and make the best of it. Maybe with school starting it will help make things easier for Julie and I to get things into a more livable condition.

VA/MENTAL HEALTH UPDATE

I’m surviving. I’m still going to all my regular appointments (several a week) and getting by.

I have started and completed the beginners portion of Canines with a Cause. I still don’t have my own dog but have been working with their dogs. The first part of the intermediate class that begins in a few weeks will be looking for my own dog. The timing is working out fine since I couldn’t have my own here at the Penrod’s, but can have one as soon as we move. This will go a LONG way to helping my anxiety and will hopefully be beneficial in dealing with nightmares too.

Julie is still crazy!

EXERCISE/HEALTH UPDATE

You haven’t seen any running logs since the pool opened because we stopped running. We have instead been swimming. I have the kids do laps each time we show up to keep them doing some cardio, then they are free to go play (which rarely includes actual swimming).

My exercise has been fine, but hasn’t resulted in any weight loss. I think it has trimmed up my waist a little bit (several people have mentioned it), but my actual weight hasn’t gone down. Perhaps with time.

7 July 2017

Dentist, CWAC and Wiring

Today started early! That alarm at 6:30am was not welcome at all. For a day crammed with dentist, wiring, and a pitbull, I would have preferred more sleep. I’m firmly of the opinion that the world shouldn’t exist at that time. Alas…

Dentist

The reason for the early morning was Joshua’s 8am dentist appointment for a temporary crown. This was compounded by the fact that the dentist is in Riverton, a 30 or so minute drive from Pleasant Grove.

Leaving the rest of the family home, Julie, Joshua, and I left at 7am for my parents place in Bluffdale. There Julie and Joshua jumped into my parents car and headed to the appointment. This was fine with my parents as they sleep late into the day (we often wake them up well after 10am to start working.)

Josh received his temporary crown and has an appointment for the permanent one in a few weeks. The temp one though was given with instructions to not eat any apples… poor kid might starve!

Errands

I left as soon as I dropped them off in Bluffdale and headed toward SLC. I must have been ahead of the worst of traffic because I made it with a lot of time to spare before my group session. So I ran quite a few errands.

First stop was Home Depot to get the supplies that we needed to complete a handful of tasks. This included the can lights so we can finish the wiring, and a few odd plumbing pieces.

Next was the bank. Their drive up window says it is open at 8:30 and I pulled in at precisely that time. A woman was there who explained she got stuck in traffic and would need a 10 minutes or so to get up and running. I took the time to fill up on gas across the street. After cashing few checks I was off to the VA.

Dental Issues Again

With still 90 minutes until my session I was off to enrollment. I had a few days prior called to schedule an appointment with VA Dental clinic but they declined to make me an appointment, saying I wasn’t eligible. This was surprising to me because I was receiving dental care in Little Rock.

So I needed to visit enrollment to clarify my eligibility. The guy at enrollment was awesome. As soon as I explained what I needed he looked me up and sighed. “Yes, you are clearly eligible. Who did you talk to over there? Man or woman” I told him a guy. “*sigh That’d be the guy you just moved from here over to that office. I’ll get it straightened out.” So he made a phone call (rather than making me do it) and politely corrected the person who answered that, yes, I did qualify for dental coverage, and made the appointment for me next week.

Good service from the VA? I’m amazed! Kudos to Jacob at the SLC VA Enrollment office! You were great!!

With those miscellaneous errands done I was off to my group session.

Wiring

Because I was able to complete all of my errands before group, I had about 2.5 hours to kill before my CWAC meeting. So I cruised back down to Bluffdale and helped Julie and Joshua who were expertly handling the wiring in the bedrooms.

They had it handled, but it moved faster with me there. I have this magic ability to save time be being able to reach things in high places without moving around ladders or chairs. Go me! I also dropped of the cans that I had picked up earlier. After I left with Josh to go to CWAC Julie was able to get some of those installed and wired as well.

If we get this house done by our “deadline” it will be entirely thanks to Julie’s hard work and skill.

Canines With A Cause

Today was my first CWAC meeting with dogs present. Because I don’t have one of my own I was handling one of their dogs in training. Today I was paired with Piper, a female black Pitbull who was a great joy to work with.

At this stage the meetings are NOT about training the dogs nearly as much as they are about training US, the handlers, how to deal with them. We used clickers and chunks of hot dogs as treats to learn how to shape the animals behavior.

Just being around the dog helped my feel better. It filled the void of losing Chief, my Great Pyrenees we had in MO. I’ll be working with a different dog next week, but I don’t mind. I’m just happy to be around one at all. My mother in law absolutely won’t allow me to have one here at her house, so I can’t get one until we’ve moved anyway. So I’ll gladly take what I can get now and anxiously look forward to moving and getting a dog of my own.

When that was done Josh and I jumped back into the van, picked up Julie, and headed home. It was a hot and tiring day, with far too many miles, but it was productive. Josh saw a dentist. My meetings went well. I have an appointment with a dentist. Julie got a lot of wiring done. Dad was able to get a lot of the plumbing done. The sheet rocker visited and got us in his schedule. Hopefully we can string a lot of these type days together … minus the heat!