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Only 8? Or am I dreaming?

I still only have 8 kids, right?

Had an incredibly vivid dream last night.  The length of the time span involved seems insanely long.   It began with us living in the house in Myrtle, MO.  I came home from a trip to Little Rock and found all of the kids gone.  When I entered the house I heard Julie screaming in fear and pain.  I ran into the bedroom to find a guy on top of her, in the process of raping her.

With just a moment to make sure I was seeing what I was seeing, decided I couldn’t use my sidearm with Julie there, so I jumped on the guy and a fight ensued.  It wasn’t very long until I had him in a choke hold, which I held until I was sure the guy was dead.

The dream skipped the dealing with the clean up of that event; no dealing with police, hospital, etc.   However, a few weeks later we found out Julie was pregnant.

Pregnancy

The pregnancy was what this dream was really about.  I was dealing with my wife being pregnant from a rapist and making decision on how to deal with it.  My sympathies to anyone and everyone who has had to do this in reality.

The majority of the dream was the discussion and decision making Julie and I went through.  We seemed to have several discussions about giving the kids up for adoption or whether we would raise it.   We didn’t discuss the idea of an abortion.  They weren’t fights, with one of us wanting to get rid of it and the other wanting to keep it.  They were discussions with both of us discussing things like whether we would resent the kid because of how he was conceived, how the other kids would treat him, how other family would react, and whether we thought we could love him, etc. (We knew it was a boy somehow???).

So my brain spent the majority of the night discussing with itself the merits of keeping a kid conceived by rape.  I suppose the benefit of such a dream is that it makes the decision real, it adds the feeling of being an actual decision needing to be made.   A theoretical discussion would cover the same topics, but without the real emotions involved.

Decision

And for what its worth, my brain decided that we’d keep such a kid.  If it were reality I don’t know if we’d make that decision.  Obviously Julie’s real emotions/reasoning would be different than what my dream created for her.  I assume my thoughts and emotions would be the same, because I thought it was real this time.   Hopefully we’ll never have to find out Julie’s real-world thoughts on it.

Would you keep a kid conceived by rape?  Do you think you’d be able to ever love the kid? and not look at him with resentment or anger?  In my dream I thought I could, but I don’t know if I’d really be able to.  I think I’d want to keep the kid, but I think it’d be harder to KNOW that your emotions would be positive toward it.

Dream and Reality collide

I’ve said before how I can have a hard time telling the difference between the real and the imagined.   In my dream we had gone through the fire and moved here to PG, just like we really did.   So my dream concluded with us living here like we really are, only Julie had just had the baby.

As I woke up I reached over to find Julie and she wasn’t in bed.  So I thought she must be up feeding the new and fictitious baby.   I laid there for a good 30 minutes thinking about the kid and dealing with my emotions about him (I think we named him John).  After at least a half an hour it started to dawn on me that it wasn’t real.  That I still only had 8 kids.  That those memories were of non-real events.  That is hard to accept sometimes because the emotions going through me were very real.

After stretching out my back and shoulders (often required to stand up) I got up and out of bed.  When I got to the staircase it fully hit me that it wasn’t real.   JR was at the bottom of the stairs and seeing him confirmed it was just a dream.  I remembered that just yesterday I had known that JR was the youngest.

Count them! Only 8 little Jensen kids!!

Conclusions…

You mean other than that I’m psychotic???

Yes, I’d consciously kill a violent rapist I caught in the act.

Yes, I’d be willing to keep a kid conceived like that.

Yes, my medication should probably be working better.

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Running Log 5/8/17

Running Log

Purpose: Training

Location: PG Rec Center

Goal: Julie and the kids want to run in a “mini marathon” at the elementary school in a week and a half.  The distance is 2.62 miles (instead of 26.2 – thus mini marathon).  I’ve never asked them to do more than 2 miles before.  They needed to experience that distance at least a few times before the race.

Task: Run 17 laps (2.61 miles)

As expected this was harder on some than on others.  Josh was done in about 22 minutes and Julie in about 32.  Caitlin, Kristie, Charlee, Nikki all also complete the task somewhere in between those times.   Caitlin did it despite a blister and a lot of side ache.

Julie had never run that distance before, but slowed her pace enough to do it non-stop.  Josh and Caitlin had run that far before at school.  The other three girls had never done more than 2 miles.   Kristie finished and walked a lap, then ran 2 more with Julie to help encourage her, and THEN ran another lap to complete 3 miles of running today.   She obviously felt she could do more than what we’ve been doing.

I was just as impressed by them today as I ever am.   Great attitudes despite the new more difficult task.  Very good encouragement toward others.   Great effort given!

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Sooo tired of the pain!!!

Pain sucks.   Chronic pain sucks too.   I’m so sick of the constant pain.

This Morning

This morning was one of those days were I woke up and just moaned in agony at the thought of getting up.   Eventually had to though, but could only crawl into the bathroom.  After crawling back to my room I was able to get into my shorts and T-shirt (easiest things to put on for me, which is why I am always wearing them).

I desperately needed some pain medication, but it was down stairs.  Couldn’t walk down them though.  Sat down and slowly slid down one stair at a time.  Got to the bottom with a headache that was just pounding.  I managed to make it outside onto the deck before the vomit came up, an all too common symptom of the pain for me.

Debilitating

It is indescribably hard to function like this.  My back hurts, my head is pounding, my stomach is nauseated because of it, my mood is terrible, and I feel more helpless than my baby.  Normal function isn’t going to happen today I’m afraid.

I’m only typing this up because I need to feel like I can do something today.  I’m typing about this topic because the pain is the only thing I can focus on.  I can only type about one sentence at a time and then I have my head in my hands trying to control the pounding inside.  It’s miserable!

I’m just so sick of needed help to dress.  I’m tired of needing Julie to help me shower because I can’t bend or twist to clean myself.  Using my cane to walk makes me feel about 20 years older than I am (still not even 40!).  I desperately want to be able to play with my kids like I used to do.  I dropped something the other day while standing and just stared at it for a few seconds deciding if it was worth the effort or risk to try to pick it up.  One flight of stairs shouldn’t leave me out of breath and my heart racing.  I’m tired of it all!

Chronic Pain and Mood

It is the constant pain that creates the deepest depression for me.   The thought that I’ll live the rest of my life like this is terrifying.  During these period of extreme suffering the most comforting thought I have is that perhaps it won’t be a long life.   It’s terrible to say, but that is the thought I have.

Thankfully these really painful periods do pass.  I do have times were the pain is minimal.   I can’t remember the last day when I had NO discomfort though.  It’s always there, lurking in the background.  It is strong enough to catch my attention and distract from activities.  It always has me on the edge of terror, worried that at any moment I could be hit with this severe, intense pain.

Honestly, would you want to live a long life like this?

Good Times

As I said, it isn’t all bad all the time.  There are good days.  Even on mediocre days I am sometimes able to do small things and moderate activities.  And if the pain isn’t too severe than there are some things I can do.  It always hurts to do them, sure, but I can’t do nothing all the time.  I need to at least try to live life.

Weight Gain

I know my back would hurt less if I lost weight.  I don’t know how to do that though.  The weight makes me hurt, the hurting makes me depressed, I eat when depressed and to distract from the pain, and I gain more weight because I eat too much.   Brutal cycle!

I recognize the stupidity in what I’m eating and getting into that cycle.  I’ve adamantly resolved to stop it so many times that even though I feel adamant about it now I have no confidence that I can/will follow through.  Having failed so many times I expect that to be the outcome of any weight loss attempts.  So why try again when failure seems inevitable?

I simultaneously have two visions of my future.  In one of them I’ve followed through with determination to lose weight and reduce the pain; I’m fit, able to function, and happy.   In the other I’ve given up entirely, continued to balloon, am a total invalid and unable to care for myself, and die far too young for someone who was as athletic and healthy as I was just a short few years ago.

I have no fancy conclusion or lessons to be learned… I just hate being in pain.   That is all!!

Carry on!

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Journey

Jax and I have been discussing where our journey is going to lead us.  I’m not overly thrilled with our options.  But as I have taken the day to mull things over I have come to this understanding.  Sometimes we have to do things we may not want to do in order to attain the things we want. 

For example, if I want to lose weight, I will probably need to diet in one form or another.  Now I can make the best of that diet by choosing a diet that will fit my lifestyle.  But I will need to make changes in my diet if I want changes to occur on my waistline.  If I want to be able to run a marathon or climb Mount Everest, I will have to train every day.  I can’t just wake up in the morning and expect to do great physical feats. I have to work hard, work through sore muscles, work when I don’t want to. 

My aunt tells a story of going listening to a concert pianist with whom she had grown up with.  She talks of how effortless his performance seemed as his hand glided across the keys.  While talking to him afterwards, she casually said, “I would give my right arm to play like that.”  His response has stayed with her through the years. “Would you?  Would you really?  Because that’s what it takes.  That is what I did.”  While other children were running and playing in the streets, he chose to practice the piano.  While other boys were playing baseball his hands were learning how to make music.  He knew what he wanted and he did everything he could to attain that goal. 

So as I sit here in limbo trying to weigh my options I have decided that I need to decide what it is that I really want.  What do I want in five or ten years?  Is it a house, a farm, a boat?  For me, those things are secondary.  What I want, is a happy and whole family.  I want a husband who may have scars but whose wounds have healed.  I want children who are happy and productive.  

They should understand that they can do hard things.  They can reach any goal they set for themselves.  I want them to learn that even when life throws you a curve ball, you still have options.  You can smash it out of the park.  You can hit it and bide your time on first base.  Even if you try with all your might, you might strike out.  But there will be other pitches, other times at bat, other games to win. 

Sounds great. I want a happy little family. To some people that may sound like a very vague goal.  But in my situation there are some very specific things that we must do to reach that goal.  The first thing is to help Jax heal from the trials that are still plaguing his dreams and turning them into nightmares.  We have other trials to heal from, some visible and some very personal.  There are financial, physical, and emotional elements to consider.

That being said.  As I weigh my options, I feel like I have a clearer view of my path.  If I want Jax better then I need to live where he can get proper care.  I will make the best of this curve ball…  I’m going to smash this thing out of the park!  And I will enjoy the journey as I go.